35. speechless

Well, loyal readers (and you know who you are), if you’ve been sitting comfortably you know that there has been a lot of drama here in the past few weeks, between being outed to my family, the shit at work, and my first relationship ending in flames (figuratively, not literally—we don’t condone arson around here).

A few things to report now as the week begins.

First, a job has opened up at a place here in town with a company that is in my field, and would seem to be a perfect fit for my skills. It would be a longer drive every day, but would start later and could provide connections. Eventually I want to start and complete my masters so that I can teach at the college level, which is my ultimate career goal. Dunno how that will actually work out, but it’s like they say—if you commit, the universe will provide.

Second, I’ve met someone here in the Cities! In fact, he lives five minutes away. Right down the street from where I grew up. We’ve hung out a couple of times, and last night we both made it quite clear that the attraction is mutual. He’s a great guy, goes to a good church that I’m familiar with (not mine, mind you), and shares a lot of my values and interests. Fortunately we’re also compatibly opposite enough to provide for plenty of delving into each others lives. It’s exciting, and unexpected!

Updates ahead…

~ Muirnin

008. whoa

“And he made me feel excited—
well, excited and scared.”
— Stephen Sondheim, Into the Woods

Wow. That’s exactly how I feel right now.

I was just thinking at lunch how cool it is to be able to flirt with a guy and not have to worry about whether he’s going to think I’m gay or that I’m going to get beaten up; that we can skip the “getting over the fact that I’m a guy and attracted to you” awkwardness and just be honest with each other; that we can openly tell the other guy how sexy we think he is.

This is nice. And new. And terrifying. I’m not used to telling someone that I think he’s gorgeous or that I love the sound of his voice and mean it in that way.

Seeing his name on my phone when he calls and my heart momentarily stopping.

It’s like being on a fast ride. All the time. Let’s hope it’s not a short ride.

(Haha, you probably won’t get that. That’s a nerdy reference to John Adams’ piece for orchestra, Short Ride in a Fast Machine. See, I told you you wouldn’t get it.)

007. no, mr bond, i expect you to walk

Holy buckets, what a weekend.

On a whim I called up a guy from GCN on Saturday and ended up talking to him for about five hours. Talked to him again today for about an hour and a half.

I hope he doesn’t read this.

I really like him. Don’t think I’ve ever connected as deeply with someone in such a short amount of time as I already have with him. We’ve been messaging back and forth for about two weeks now and I’m trying not to read too much into this, because we just met; but I’ve never looked forward to talking to someone as much as I look forward to talking to him now. I’m starting to understand now what’s so intoxicating about wanting to be with someone. It’s a nice feeling waking up with a big grin and thinking about someone.

Was practically giddy on Friday when we set a call date; anticipating actually hearing his voice and being able to interact. He lives kind of far away, but I still really like him and have told him so. He’s said the same to me. We share a lot of the same values, and seem to want the same things out of a relationship from what I can tell.

What scares me is that I’ve never been in any sort of relationship, and that’s what I want right now; so I fear that my expectations may be a little high, even though I’m practically forcing myself to not have any.

That, and I’m essentially fresh out of the closet here. It hasn’t even been a year, and I want to think I’ve found the man of my dreams. He isn’t perfect, but he’s an amazing guy at the same time. It’s just so hard finding a “normal” homosexual guy (i.e., who isn’t a flaming queen) when they’re so rare, or at least hard to find. But who knows who I’ll meet in the next year.

Don’t want to miss out on this if there’s even a chance with this guy though.

And I don’t even want to look at pornography now! That’s a first in a long time. I mean, I want to, but I don’t need to—not when I have an awesome guy who thinks I’m hot and who I think is equally as smokin’ sexy.

If this is what being homosexual is about, being crazy about a truly masculine guy who thinks the same of me, then this is okay.

And man, I could listen to him talk all afternoon/night. He has a little bit of a southern accent and it is so sexy. Thinking about him makes my chest ache in that one place and my stomach goes all weird.

This is just crazy.

001. Out

I blog on several other sites, but this will be the one where I deal with more “sensitive” subjects from the comfort of my anonymous chair.

So here goes.

I am many things. An artist. A composer. A writer. A some-time cook. A fan of public radio. Irish-American. A Christian.

I’m also gay.

If you know me, this may come as a bit of a shock but not much of a surprise.

Now, lest images of drag queens and leathermen marching down 5th Avenue in pride parades come to your minds, I assure you—that is not me. If TV pictures of shrill, effeminate gay men vociferously demanding gay rights and gay marriage offend you—that is not me. If associations with AIDS and promiscuous sex-addicts in bathhouses cause you alarm—that is not me. If you hear “gay” or “homosexual” and immediately think of limp-wristed, lisping, swishy non-conformists—that is not me.

I am, by all accounts, normal. I work a 9-5 job in education administration. I work in the arts and love attention, but I keep a low, quiet profile. I attend religious services regularly and am a member of a mainstream church in Minneapolis. Hang out with my friends, most of whom are straight, and almost all either dating, married or getting married.

It just so happens that I am also attracted to men. Apart from that, there is nothing that really sets me apart from “straight” guys.

It’s been a difficult process coming to this realisation, but looking back I’ve always known in some way. I’ve always been “into” guys and upon the onset of adolescence that attraction became much more apparent, though I lacked the emotional vocabulary to make sense of any of that.

I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian home by two loving parents who tried their best to instil conservative Christian values in me and my two younger sisters. But a young Christian man just wasn’t gay so for a long time I tried to convince myself that my attraction to men was just “a phase” and that I just needed to find the right girl, because that’s what young Christian men did—they dated and then married nice Christian girls.

Later on (over the past three years), the fact that I’m homosexual became something shameful to hide, to overcome, to loathe.

And nobody knew. I made sure of that.

Until a friend of mine came out to me with her feelings for me and I knew that not telling her would be a disservice, both to myself and to her. Leading on nice girls when there was no chance of me ever being attracted to them was unfair. Sure, there may be disappointment and pain, but it at least gave them the chance to move on and find a guy would could genuinely love and care for them, and ultimately be totally attracted to them. So I did it. I told her.

“I’m gay.”

And that was just the beginning.

~ Muirnin