This past weekend I attended a four-day mini gaming convention with some friends of mine. It’s a biannual event, with one in the spring and one in the fall. The spring one is usually smaller, but it’s still a bit of a stretch for this highly sensitive introvert because of the sheer number of people.
Thankfully though, the combination of meds, therapy, going on walks (thereby getting some vitamin D), and taking introverting breaks helped.
A couple of years ago I attended this con prior to starting grad school, after which my schedule (and inability to cope with most social situations) did not permit my going. This year though, with all the positive steps forward, I decided it was a good thing to test out my new outlook on humanity.
Overall, with a few instances of feeling overwhelmed, it was a good experience. For me, it was less about the gaming and more the freedom from the normal responsibilities of life to just “be” and refresh my wells of creativity.
On one of the evenings, I had a surprisingly frank conversation with a few people about emerging awareness of their sexual orientation or acceptance of a shift thereto. Some of the conversation was about poly relationships and the realities of dating – or being partnered with – multiple people.
(To me, that sounds exhausting, but I’m glad it works for other people.)
Another of the longer conversations though was with a guy I met last time who is coming to terms with the fact that he’s probably bisexual. This is complicated by the fact that he’s married and hadn’t really had that talk with his wife yet.
This was further complicated by the fact that we appeared to be attracted to each other, and actually talked about that, something that may have been facilitated by how much we’d had to drink before this conversation. At first, he said he thought he might be “drunk bi,” but later acknowledged that he’s been noticing this when he’s sober, too.
Apparently later he confided to another friend of mine that he’s now fairly certain he’s bi and was going to have that talk with his wife over the weekend.
Speaking of shifts in one’s sexuality, I’ve become aware of experiencing a recent uptick in attraction to guys. On one of the long walks over this weekend I tried to parse through my feelings about this, ponder what might be going on, and assess whether I’m actually demisexual these days or if it’s a mix of anxiety and growing up repressed.
One of the truths to come out of therapy is that I spend a lot of time in my head analyzing and picking apart everything and that my brain often works much faster than my mind. By the time my mind gets around to even considering something, my brain has already fast-forwarded to the conclusion it has determined absolutely will happen, which is usually the worst-case scenario.
This bodes not well for living in the moment and taking things as they come.
Another truth is the reality that I’m pretty rigid when it comes to things like sexuality… or if I’m being honest, most things. It’s funny though because I’m actually pretty open to change—even though I still like to have some degree of control over those changes, even if that just means knowing as much as possible about what’s coming next.
Now that I think of it, this rigidity is probably my parents manifesting again.
This was a theme that came through in a tarot reading I did for myself on Friday evening during an introverting break.
(If anyone is curious, you can see the spread here: https://bit.ly/2IRFG2P.)
I was reminded by Temperance and reversed Judgement of the need to be kinder to myself and to find balance—essentially becoming friends with my inner critic and acknowledging the fears and worries that get expressed as negativity.
The reversed Page of Wands blocking my Magician makes that pretty clear.
Breaking free of unhealthy cycles of thinking and action was another message that resonated. Fixating on worst-case scenarios is one way my mind protects me from hurt or disappointment, which is also self-defeating but understandably fear-based.
Taking back control of my life and not fixating as much on what I don’t have was yet another theme that came out of the spread.
As was learning to manage my emotions better. Hmmmm…
This led to a couple of insights on my walk on Sunday.
First, in regards to demisexuality, I don’t think there has to be conflict with experiencing an uptick in attraction. The nature of these attractions continues to be chiefly emotional rather than sexual.
What I do think has been going on the last few years is the fear to even entertain those attractions when they arise.
Again, my brain is awfully good at shutting down any hopes or possibilities.
And a big thing for me is the fear of rejection, because without fail, every guy I’ve been attracted to has wanted nothing to do with me beyond being friends. (This goes the other way for me, too.) So at the first sign of interest, my brain quickly fast-forwards the tape to the end of the scene where yet again I’m getting let down.
It would be easy to dismiss this if there weren’t ample justification for the fear.
The reality is I do tell and re-tell myself these stories about how no one is interested in me and how I’m going to literally die alone and forgotten someday.
Another reality is that I seemingly have zero control over who I’m attracted to (e.g., a married, currently monogamous, and emergently bisexual guy), so it’s impossible to predict when and where it will occur.
So am I unconsciously selecting guys who will fullfill my brain’s worst-case scenario to maintain control over a situation in which there is little control?
And what do I even want??
And how to loosen up but stay true to myself?
a hard and a rock place 
Very, very interesting.
Those processes and thought patterns you talk about may be counterproductive now, but they were born out of necessity. Deeper than a defence mechanism, I see them as survival mechanisms. In the circumstances you were confronting then your brain created boundaries designed to keep you functioning – and functioning in a role where you’d be the target of the least amount of hostility.
The negative associations to (gay) relationships and sex are something that get translated from conscious to subconscious and back again. I turned 41 this year and even at this point, even though I came out 20 years ago, having sex without having had a good few drinks before is just not something I can do (yet?)
I think the anxiety goes much deeper than we imagine. Do you think yours might go beyond sexuality?
Deeper than a defence mechanism, I see them as survival mechanisms.
My therapist and I have discussed this several times, that many of these thought patterns and coping mechanisms (especially keeping everyone at arm’s length) were necessary to get through growing up in a repressive environment, but that they’re no longer productive now. Basically, I’ve still been living in survival mode out of habit. But yes, anxiety is very much at the core of a lot of these issues, like a root that’s grown deep into the ground. The anxiety around sexuality is definitely related to insecurity around relationships that comes from a deep-seated fear of rejection. Love and acceptance felt conditional growing up, like I had to constantly prove to my parents that I deserved those things. There’s also some imposter syndrome at play, that someone will find out “who I really am” once they get close enough and run screaming. There’s a lot going on but beginning to see and name these things helps to take away some of their power.