131. brisance

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Sorry for the gap in posting the past few days. I’ve been doing a lot of writing outside of the blog lately, both musical and literary. I’ve completed several arrangements of pop songs for the vocal group I’m in that’s getting started, as well as completing work on an original choral piece based on an Edna St. Vincent Millay sonnet that I also had to secure rights to use.

I’m also working on several short stories and starting in on a series of essays about my experiences as a bad cultural American, some of which I hope will be quasi-therapeutic in getting over my Seth issues.

Speaking of, I went for a walk with a friend of mine today around Lake Calhoun in Minneapolis. It’s an absolutely gorgeous day outside; a little windy and cool for wearing short sleeves, but my goodness am I glad that the weather is nice and that the good-looking guys are finally shucking their shirts when they go for a run. I love that about the spring: The return of eye candy.

However, I was informed today that I’d been uninvited to an upcoming birthday party because Seth is planning to be there. It was moderately placating to hear that it wasn’t because my personality is defective; and I honestly hadn’t planned on going since Seth is close friends with this guy as well as (to take a turn for the Anglo-Saxon) quasi-regular fuck buddies (though at this point, between this guy and several others (Justin Lee, for one) I’m wondering who Seth isn’t fuck buddies with). What irks me further is that recently he apparently had the audacity to tell this friend that he thinks that I need to find someone.

(Sure, let someone else fix the mess you made, asshole.)

On a side note, it’s ironic to compare the liberal sex lives of the Christian gay guys I know and with my own sexual ethic as an atheist, which is becoming more conservative (at least for the time being). There was a time shortly after Seth “dumped” me (I don’t know if there’s a word for what happened there since we were never actually “dating”) when I was a pretty unscrupulous slut. My ex (Aaron 2.0) had recently introduced me to Grindr, and the day after the infamous night of my 28th birthday I had two hookups with complete strangers that began a long series of very unhealthy acting out. I had sex with at least a dozen guys in relationships, none of whose boyfriends knew of their extra-curricular activities, so you’ve got to wonder how “serious” those relationships were. All of that left me feeling more empty than ever, and I’m at the point now where I just want to find a good guy to be with. I don’t want to have “no-strings-attached” sex with guys who I have no emotional connection to.

Anyway, I’d just assumed that Seth was going to be at this birthday party and hadn’t planned on attending. However, it did strike me as odd that I received the Facebook invite only for it to mysteriously disappear shortly after arriving.

This is, frankly, one of the many reasons why I need to get the hell out of the Twin Cities and make it like a tree to Seattle (the other big reason being my immediate family and the fact that there are just so many ghosts of my fundamentalist past around here).

This is precisely what I was afraid would happen after the events of last February. Some of it may be my hardline approach towards Seth and cutting off all contact in the interests of not re-igniting a fire that I’ve been trying to put out for the better part of two years, but he has indeed become something of a Rubicon between my friends and I. He’s standing on one side, with his church and all the people who are allied with him. On the other side is me, and all the people who are somehow in the middle of the No Man’s Land that I’ve inadvertently created and forced some people into. The people closest to me at least make an effect to not mention him around me because I’ve been very honest with them that I’m still not entirely over him, and that references to him still make me go slightly crazy.

But the current state of affairs has made it so that I can’t be with my friends for their birthday parties and other community events he’s likely to be at. My friend Emily actually assured me that she hadn’t invited him to her 30th birthday party because having me there was more important than being hospitable to him, her pastor. (I can’t help but wince at that and even feel somewhat selfish, that she would be so accommodating of my insanity.) But in a few weeks I won’t be able to help some friends move because he’ll be there.

So the moral of the story is that I really need to start over in a new place. Not necessarily running from my problems, but just getting free of some factors that are impeding my progress towards getting psychologically healthy and healing from some of the wounds that I’ve sustained over the past couple of years.

Plus, there’s my romantic life. The guys here in Minnesota have ultimately been disappointing in terms of finding someone who I can connect with emotionally, as well as someone who is equally non-theist. Seattle has a fairly large and active atheist community, is more liberal, and has a higher percentage of gays (and therefore a wider pool to draw from). And I just can’t stand to be alone for yet another year as I’m getting older (and less marketable).

Like it or not, Seth has changed my life, and not for the better. But who knows. Maybe it will be for the better in terms of ultimately getting myself together and on a healthier path in a new place.

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