76. necessities


Gay couple holding handsApologies about the lack of posting the last few days. The last article took a lot out of me, work has been crazy busy, and to top it all off I was home sick today and feeling like death. The sad thing is that even though I was home today and had time, I didn’t want to do any writing. Lying in bed and trying to sleep was about all I felt capable of, and even that wasn’t fun. It wasn’t until later tonight that I even ventured out to get drugs, and then I forgot to pick up tissues as well. Toilet paper just isn’t a substitute when you’re trying to stop up the faucet that your face becomes during a cold.

While out at Target tonight, I did a little people watching as usual. When I’m not feeling particularly well I can be a tad cantankerous, and on this particular drug run I was both cantankerous and depressed. Maybe it’s just that I’m looking for it, but every time I turned around some man/woman couple were walking around the store holding hands. This is nothing new, obviously, but it’s been irking me as of late.

Look at them and at the picture above, instead of seeing a symbol of love and hope I see the image of something that I will likely never have. It’s the middle of September already, which means that the year’s almost over, I’m four months and eighteen days from turning twenty-nine (and we’ll see if I even feel like celebrating my birthday ever again, considering how last year’s celebration went), and so far I’ve met only one guy who was anything like the kind of man I’d like for a partner. That ended in disaster and me losing both a friend and my faith, and feeling even more hopeless and alone.

Maybe it’s just that I feel like shit right now, all achy and gross and possibly feverish. And perhaps I’m expecting too much, too soon. It just seems like it’s so easy for everyone else to find someone who they’re compatible with, both straight and gay. True, I know plenty of guys (and girls) who are in my situation, unhappily single. Maybe this is just reality for guys my age. Or gay guys my age. Or gay guys in general.

And it’s not like I’m not trying either. Nothing has really clicked, and I don’t want to settle for just somebody. I want somebody. (The wisdom of Stephen Sondheim again.)

Tonight I saw an advert for one of those adjustable beds. And tonight all that’s waiting for me upstairs is a bed with some pillows. And the quilt my great-grandmother made for me. I don’t need fireworks and champagne. I just want to decide on a bed with a guy. Sort the recycling. Make popcorn and watch one of our TV shows. Drive to the North Shore. Hold hands while shopping for paper towels.

There it is. 500 words this time.


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