55. rococco

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The past few months have been… busy. I was temping at a small company in Minnetonka that I fear was possibly engaging in unethical business practices. Originally the assignment began in October and was for only a few weeks, but then stretched out to the end of the year and then indefinitely until I was told last week that they’d hired someone full-time for the position I was filling in for. That’s the reality of temping though, and I really didn’t want to commute to Minnetonka every day, especially now that gas prices are climbing again.

The past month also saw a long bout of depression that has been off and on since the middle of December. Part of it is that I feel adrift spiritually now that I officially no longer belong to either fundamentalism or evangelicalism. I went to a Christian college, took courses in the Bible and theology, grew up in the church, attended a mainline fundamentalist congregation for several years; but now I just can’t take any of it as seriously as I used to. I don’t believe that the Bible is the infallible word of God (though I still think it’s inspired to an extent); that everything is as black and white as I was taught growing up; or that God is keeping your permanent sin record and on Judgement Day will weigh your heart before the Ammut-like maw of Hell. I just can’t buy it anymore.

However, the implication of this new strain of though is that most of what I’ve believed most of my life is invalid. I guess you could say I’m grieving the death of this old “fundamentalist” me, and wondering what it is that I do believe. It’s all very dizzying.

Another aspect of the depression is the sheer loneliness I’ve been feeling, along with the series of disastrous dates I’ve been on lately. I’m nearly 28, and starting to wonder if I’ll ever be truly loved or understood by another person. Yes, my friends and family love me, but I want to adore and be adored by the guy I spend my life with. And I’m starting to fear that may never happen.

Thus, the trend of sadness.

Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy 2011.

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