033. provocations

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Going into this week a little less rested than I’d like to be and more depressed than I’d like to admit. Went out on Friday night with some friends of friends, got very drunk (and still managed to take care of people who were more drunk than I—not that they gave a flying fuck either way, apparently I’m that forgettable), wrote a six-page letter, and ended up sleeping on a couch alone with a cat (I’m allergic, by the way).

I’m starting to feel bitter again as the holidays roll closer. Had a sudden flash of anger tonight, the root of which was the frustration of feeling that even after making an effort and trying to care that I’m not noticed or remembered. It surprised both me and my roommates a bit. I’m tired of being the friend, of caring about other people and receive little more than indifference in return. I feel like Pagliachi—ever the comic relief getting the lovers together, but ends up alone and unloved while everyone else finds happiness.

Not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas this year, or my birthday next year (about three and a half months from now.

I miss physical intimacy so fucking much, and sort of wish I hadn’t experienced it, because the absence now is absolutely killing me. And I know that going into a relationship, or even just seeking it out, looking to fulfil that need is a bad idea. But I so desperately want it that I’m afraid of not being able to control myself.

This is the loneliness talking.

Sometimes I wish that I could just be attracted to women. It would be so much easier to find a mate. At least if she’s female you have a chance. My dating pool is significantly more limited since it’s harder to find the guys that I’m interested in (which you might call “straight-acting,” a term I abhor, but for lack of a better definition am obliged to use).

I just don’t want to be 40 and single. I don’t even want to be 30 and single. 27 will probably be bad enough.

Happy Monday.

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4 thoughts on “033. provocations

  1. Em

    If you let people walk all over you, they’re not going to jump up and thank you for the privilege. Being everyone’s bitch is a great way to make a lot of friends quickly, but not exactly a great way to find a few people you can rely on when you need something other than an excuse to play sober cab. Food for thought. If the people you’re investing yourself in don’t seem to give a crap about you, take a hint and put your energy into better people.

    Being alone during the holidays sucks hardcore. I don’t really have any advice on that front because no matter what you do it’s still going to suck. But at least you can take comfort in the fact that at least you won’t be forced into exile with your in-laws, listening to their screaming matches and praying God will turn your water into vodka.

    • muirnin

      I wouldn’t say that I’m letting people walk all over me. I just care about people, and want to take care of them, but you’re right, I can’t keep investing energy in things that aren’t going to pay off in the long term. Yeah, it’s a bit Machiavellian, but I do need to invest myself in better people.

      And after a conversation I had with Mike and then with AJ over the weekend, I realised today that the biggest issue with my family is feeling accepted by my parents, and I never really have, and probably never will.

      • Em

        Never going to be accepted by your parents? Welcome to humanity. You’ve just saved yourself a five-thousand dollar therapy bill.

        Most of us never know what it’s like to be respected, understood or accepted by our parents, let alone anyone else on the freaking planet. It takes getting used to, but eventually you cope.

        Or you stage a media stunt wherin you let everyone believe your six year old was carried away in a giant weather balloon.

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