018. proof

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Acts 20:28-31, NASB:

Be on guard for yourselves and for all the flock, among which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to shepherd the church of God which He purchased with His own blood. I know that after my departure savage wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock; and from among your own selves men will arise, speaking perverse things, to draw away the disciples after them. Therefore be on the alert.

I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking these past few days about whether I’m doing the right thing in actually living as a Christian homosexual, if such a thing exists at all. It all rests on how much stock I really put in the Bible and that it really is the inspired Word of G-d. Because no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I actually desire to be with one man (and that’s the defining characteristic for me: I’m not looking for random hookups and nights of wild partying), this nagging voice keeps screaming that I’m really just deluding myself into thinking that this is a “valid” lifestyle.

I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.

For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfil your ministry. (2 Timothy 4:1-5, ESV)

I was talking with my man the other day about this; that we’re talking about 26 years of thinking this way; of hearing this messages on a fairly regular basis.

So I wonder to myself—is this really what religion does to people? Twist their minds into unintelligible knots of confusion?

It would be one thing if there were someone knowledgeable in ancient texts who I could go to and could trust talking about this with. But the only people I know who have the understanding of these texts are religious conservatives. My pastor, John Piper, knows Greek and Hebrew, and believes that homosexuality is a sin. So he has a conservative bias.

Conversely, I fear that the scholars who also have an understanding of the passages in question and have reached the alternative conclusion — that homosexuality is not a sin — are also biased.

So why can’t G-d himself just give me a revelation instead of working through these biased, flawed people? Set all the confusion and hostilities to rights, and say that we’re all wrong and just need to get along.

Because I’m secretly afraid that they’re right; that I’m turning my back on Him; that I’m choosing what I want rather than what is right, relying on my feelings and the advice of others who think the same way.

I don’t want to bring any of these insecurities into a relationship, especially one that is shaping up to be as long-term as this present one appears to be. There will be insecurities and doubts and fears, and we’re talking about this right now and working through it together.

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2 thoughts on “018. proof

  1. See, the funny thing about a bias is that it’s chosen. Piper has chosen to believe what he believes. And those who believe that homosexuality is not a sin have chosen to believe that.

    Whether you’re raised that way or not, you come to a moment where you have to choose what you believe. And that might not be right now for you.

    I made my choice, and I trust that if it’s the wrong choice, God is big enough to let me know that.

    • muirnin

      After writing that, I talked to the boy for about five hours about all of that, and the conclusion that we came to is that most of my doubts are derived from the fear of telling my parents, who are the last important people in my life to know about this. They’re the people I’m most afraid of losing because I’m finally appreciating them for the amazing people they are and always have been.

      I’m going to try to be more positive. I’m going to talk these things out with my boyfriend and confront these doubts and fears head on. He’s realised that I can’t just “let things go” as he likes to say. I’m sort of like an intellectual accountant: everything has to be scrutinised and audited and add up before I can be at rest. And this is big. So it’s going to take me some time to really be comfortable, and he knows that.

      This is why Lewis is one of my favourite authors: he seems to have taken the same rigorous and uncompromising approach to life. It’s harder, but in the end I think it’ll be better for the two of us if we hash this out now.

      And thank you for listening and responding and generally being a good friend right now. Apart from a supportive boyfriend, that’s the biggest thing I’m in need of at this point.

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