009. reboot

I don’t know you, but I want you all the more for that.
Words fall through me, always fool me, and I can’t react.
Games that never amount to more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out.
Take this sinking boat and point it home. You’ve still got time.
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice. You’ll make it now.
— Glen Hansard, “Falling Slowly”

Not sure how I’m feeling right now. I’m kind of all over the place emotionally, and I shouldn’t be. It’s stupid, but just can’t be helped. That lyric from Once sums it up.

My talks with the boy have been up and down. Maybe it’s just him. It was raining today and he said that rain gets him down, but his last couple messages have been sort of intentionally non-committal, and I can’t tell if he’s trying to be rational and let this go before we both get too attached or if he’s just moody. Last night he was quite talkative. For example, there’s what he sent today (edited for punctuation):

Date, do what need to do. I hope you find the best in what you are looking for. I do care about you though. I hope you find happiness, however that comes.  I think it’s inevitable that you will date someone in your area, as long as you’ve kept yourself in a closet I can understand how you’d long to explore that. You’ll get to know me either way—I’m here for you. Even if I am 966 miles away.

This is compared to what he wrote yesterday:

I’m really trying not to but I can’t stop thinking about you. You are so amazing, I’d really given up on the idea that people like you exist in the world.

I really shouldn’t say things like that, I ashamed of myself for admitting that. You have no idea the hell I’ve given people I consider to be friends for liking people they met online.

Then today,

You’ll find someone local, I’m sure of it. You work in theater, you live in a large area, you will.

It’s a bit of a let-down after the day or two of euphoria, and I wasn’t able to talk to him much tonight so I’m not sure what he was thinking or what drove him to write these things. (PS – he doesn’t write much.) Regardless of how I feel, it’s a rational approach: there’s a fairly large distance between us (966 mi)… 16 hours of driving… 5 U.S. States.

It just feels like a bit of a miracle that he showed up at all and that there’s a mutual attraction. It would take another miracle for a guy here to show up who’s just as amazing. It just sucks that I’m 26 and still alone with my ridiculously high standards.

But are my standards so high? Let’s examine. Here’s what I’d like, ideally:

• He doesn’t come across as Gay.

I’m taking to capitalising that word now to set it apart from homosexual or from its meaning of “happy, carefree,” and referring specifically to homosexual subculture and to effeminate males.

This quality makes it harder to find people as most guys like myself (and like my Southern friend) are in deep cover. Effeminate guys make me uncomfortable. I like masculine fellas; who possess the qualities (physical and psychological) that make them male (as distinct from women—sorry, ladies):

• Personality things like being assertive, direct, independent, objective, ambitious, adventurous, uninhibited, rational, moral, etc.
• Physical characteristics like well-defined muscles (shoulders, back, arms and chest for me), just a little bit of body hair (at least groomed/trimmed, though I do like arm and leg hair, just as long as they don’t resemble a Sasquatch from the waist down), and as a friend of mine wrote “tractor beam eyes.” I like how guys smell too. Not when they’re sweaty and gross, but their natural scent. It’s intoxicating.

I was talking to my sister the other day about boys (she is the only family member who knows) and how she wants to have all boys and no girls when she marries. I said that when I have a BF he’s going to have to teach me to wrestle so I can be the fun uncle who rough houses with the kids. On that same note, I want a guy who is going to really get into sex and isn’t afraid to hold back (see several bullets down).

It’s not that I’m ashamed of who I am. Guys like me just don’t want to be associated with the Gay community or what it stands for, and we don’t want to be pre-judged by anyone because of who we’re attracted to. It’s a private matter for us, much as sexuality is a private matter for most heterosexuals. They don’t go around flaunting their Straight orientation, so why should we flaunt ours (e.g., “We’re here, we’re queer!”)?

I also don’t want to attract men who are just interested in having sex with me, and especially not the kind who want that precisely because I’m a virgin. I can’t be responsible for what might happen to such an individual who did that. Most male relationships are based on trust and mutual respect. Treating me like a piece of meat is not respectful and will not earn my trust.

• He is smart, can carry on a decent conversation, and is passionate about the things he’s interested in.

This is fairly important to me. A guy who’s just into pop culture and movie references does not interest me. That’s not even mildly cute. Just annoying. We’ve got to be able to connect on an intellectual level, which is why I’ve been enjoying conversing with the Southern boy. It’s not enough to have the same interests. You run out of those after a while. I don’t think I’d want to date someone in theatre. There are way too many Gay guys in theatre.

• We are both very much into each other physically.

Again, this is true of my current prospect. We really like each other in that way. But it’s almost a moot point at present because of the distance factor. Again, he doesn’t remotely look Gay or metrosexual—but he is good looking. Very good looking. Kind of in a rugged, masculine sort of way. Not sure how to describe it.

If you know me at all, you know that I’m a very passionate person, even though I have no experience sexually yet, I’d like to be with someone who is a little aggressive (within reason, and certainly not abusive), isn’t afraid to get crazy, and is also okay with meeting that in me (again, I have no idea what I’m like sexually).

• He is looking for something more lasting; to connect.

So many people, homosexual and heterosexual, have empty sexual encounters where they just use each other to get off. Gay culture tends to be especially about that—one-night stands, anonymous sex, etc. I’m 26, getting past my prime a little, and not looking to mess around. After all, I’ve waited this long. When I have sex, it’s going to be with someone I care deeply about, trust completely, and already have a connection (emotional, spiritual) with. The physical aspect of the relationship will be an outgrowth of the elements that have already been established.

It would be nice to be with someone who already knows his way around and is going to do his best to make my first time as good a one as possible. It doesn’t even bother me if he has been with other guys, just so long as he wants to be with me because he loves my soul, and I his.

• We;re on the same spiritual wavelength.

This is one area where Southern boy and I are a bit divergent. He’s not quite back with Christianity yet. I’m at the very least lapsed but I do have a background in Biblical studies and theology. But to be honest, apart from going to church, I’m not terribly invested in my spiritual life or development. I want to be. I was raised with conservative, fundamentalist beliefs. I still hold to the tenets of the Nicene Creed.

• One G-d, Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth and of all things visible and invisible;
• That Jesus Christ was the only begotten Son of G-d before all worlds;
• That he came to earth for our salvation, was crucified, died, buried and on the third day came back to life;
• One baptism for the remission of sins;
• And the resurrection from death and the life of the world to come.

These are the non-negociables for me. And he’s so close—that’s the infuriating thing. He’s just missing a few key things. His beliefs seem to be a mash of Eastern philosophy, some Pagan, mixed with elements of Christianity. He hated Christians for a long time, mainly because of how he’s been treated. I’m not a Bible thumper, but my beliefs are important to me. Don’t know how they actually affect my living, but I’m not willing to back down from those five statements above.

Because it isn’t enough to be spiritual for me. This goes hand-in-hand with my desire for a passionate person, someone who is willing to take a stand. And if he has actually wrestled with the reality of being a Christian homosexual and the theology behind it, that’s pretty sexy too.

So where does this leave me? Confused again. I feel like someone hit the restart button and my system is checking the updates. So Southern boy and I may not get to be together in the way that I hoped. But we will continue to talk. Maybe that will deepen into something more. It might not, and I have to be okay with that.