014. fear

Tomorrow I watch another of my friends get married. Walk down the aisle, join her life to the man she wants to spend the rest of it with.

And I guess I’m genuinely happy for her!

For so long I considered marriage a sham, not because I’d seen so many failures but because I couldn’t imagine the possibility of me ever finding that kind of love or the dream of commitment. That was selfish, to assume that the happiness of millions of others depended on my own.

Well, no more. I think I’ve found that now, and am quite content.

Found out today that another friend of mine has known about me for some time. I feel kind of bad that I didn’t trust her with the knowledge, but you never know. She is of the Christian fundamentalist persuasion, but still, you never know.

Basically, I’m afraid of losing the friendships I’ve worked at building the last couple of years over this.

I’m afraid of my Christian friends turning their backs on me.

Hell, I’m afraid of my family turning their backs on me (except for my youngest sister; she knows).

My friends have become my family, and I’d hate to lose any of them. I don’t expect them all to necessarily approve. They have their own beliefs and I wouldn’t want to impose anything on them. This is a lot of change to handle, so I’d understand. Doesn’t mean I’d like it, but I’d have to respect the decisions of anyone who couldn’t deal with my being a homosexual.

I really hope it doesn’t come to that. Everything has changed now that I found him.

013. giving back

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
– Ambrose Redmoon

Last week I was invited by a friend to attend the final seminar of the Landmark Forum. For those of you who don’t know, this is a four-day intensive seminar that is designed to help people realise their life goals by helping them see the blind spots in the way that they view the world. The way that they explain it is that these blind spots unconsciously hinder us from realising those goals in the way a hundred pound weight strapped to the back of an Olympic runner might keep him (okay, or her) from realising the goal of winning the gold medal. Through a number of exercises and seminars, the Landmark Forum seeks to help people see what that hundred pound weight is and how they can take it off.

The trouble is in seeing what it is.

One of the big things that they stress is taking responsibility for your past and not making excuses for it. Now, you may have been molested as a child. That alters the way that you see the world. No one would argue with that, nor that it was your fault.

However, that doesn’t give you the right to see yourself as a victim, or use that event as an excuse for not moving forward in life. It doesn’t give you the right to define yourself by that event—not because it wasn’t an awful thing, but because your moving on and becoming the best version of you possible isn’t worth hanging on to that and not making something amazing of it.

I was talking with my guy tonight and we were having a conversation along these lines. I was sharing with him the things I’d learned in that evening, and I realised after we hung up that I’d been doing the very things I was talking about. That I’d been rehearsing the litany of negative events in my life over and over, like Orual in Till We Have Faces. It’s a vicious cycle, and unless someone comes along to say “Stop it,” we keep repeating the same mistakes over and over.

And we unconsciously put ourselves in situations in order to fulfil those prophesies we set for ourselves—to fail, or be victimised, so that we can say, “See!”—instead of taking responsibility and saying, “No, this is my life.”

An obvious parallel is Joseph from the book of Genesis. If ever there was a victim, it was him. He had so much going for him. He was the youngest son, the favourite of his father Isaac; and then his brothers sold him into slavery and told their father that Joseph had been killed by a lion.

Now, if you recall the story, Joseph kind of had it coming. He was cocky and full of himself. He had the gall to tell his brothers that he’d been shown in a dream that they’d one day be bowing down to him. Who wouldn’t want to get rid of a prick like that? (That’s not to excuse what his brothers did. Selling your brother into slavery is wrong. Wrong.)

So he’s sitting there, sold into slavery in Egypt. I think he figured out what he’d done and why his brothers hated him. So then he had a choice. He could either blame others for his situation, or take responsibility and make the most of what he’d been given. And he did. His master, Potiphar, “saw that the Lord was with Joseph and caused all that he did to prosper.” And Potiphar made him overseer of his whole house and all he owned.

Then Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce Joseph, who took the high ground and refused; but it was her word against his (a slave) and it was back to prison for him. Again, he could have whined and complained and recited his litany of woes. But he didn’t. He took responsibility for his situation, and the jailer “committed to Joseph’s charge all the prisoners who were in the jail; so that whatever was done there, he was responsible for it . . . because the LORD was with him; and whatever he did, the LORD made to prosper.”

I won’t tell you the whole story, but it ends up with Joseph as second command in Egypt, and in a twist of divine irony his brothers did indeed come before him to plead for grain for their family. Complete reversal of fortunes. Joseph does play with them a little, and he could have taken advantage of the situation and killed them for what they did to him in the past, but in the end he tells them who he is and he is restored, alive, to his father Isaac.

When Isaac dies, his brothers figure he’s going to take revenge on them all. But Joseph utters one of the most powerful statements in all of literature—”Do not be afraid, for am I in G-d’s place? As for you, you meant evil against me, but G-d meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people’s lives.” It’s incomplete to merely view Joseph as having taken responsibility for his life, as the Landmark Forum suggests people do. I strongly believe that G-d places us in situations to be his effective agents on earth; and regardless of what happens to us, if we take responsibility for our lives insomuch as we see ourselves as having a divine calling and open ourselves to the possibilities of being used in incredible ways, and that the things that happened to us are G-d’s way of equipping us to help someone else, we don’t have time for pity parties.

I’ve gone through so much of my life reading into what other people say, and with my expectations of what they should do instead of giving up that need and giving people the benefit of the doubt. Giving up the need for revenge, because the people who did me wrong back in the day are not going to control the course of my life or keep me in the prison of anger. Not letting the past define me and reciting the litany of my woes and using that as an excuse for not taking responsibility for my life. I am beginning to see how G-d has used the events in my life to bring me to this Now.

He asked me tonight, “Why were you even thinking about going to that when you’ve said all of this?” I don’t know why I was considering going to the Landmark Forum. A change? To take a step? Turns out the biggest step I’ve taken is pursuing him.

We really had some huge breakthroughs tonight. It was incredibly exciting (and frustrating for a while). I was feeling pretty smart, the guy with all the answers. I felt like a therapist who’d just seen his patient make a major breakthrough.

Then, driving home I realised that the things I’d been saying were the things my parents, friends and therapists had been saying for years, and had taken me up until quite recently to grasp. That I need to take responsibility for my life and not blame others. That everything in life happens for a reason and we can either choose to see ourselves as passive victims or as active participants who see life as the chisel that is making us into men out of blocks of stone (to paraphrase C.S. Lewis). That the blows of His chisel, which hurt us so much, are what make us perfect.

I don’t have life figured out any more than anyone else. But I can share what few insights I have and hope that they’ll make some difference. I saw my guy make a huge step tonight, and I’m incredibly proud of him for taking ownership of his life and am deeply humbled to be a part of the process for him. I’m looking back now and seeing how every painful shouting match, every patient conversation my parents had with me, the hours spent with my psychologist, my psychology classes—everything—probably led up to this point.

It would be easy to puff out my chest and say that I did it all. But that would be an arrogant lie. I was positioned here by a much wiser hand. If all those years spent crawling around in the dark were to help him realise his full potential and drop the hundred-pound weight and the blinders from his eyes, it was worth the pain.

He asked what he can possibly do for me. Tonight I realised that so much has been given to me already, and I’m finally giving back. He helped me see that what I have has been given to me, and that he’s such an incredible gift. I really do love him. He taught me something tonight—that it was me lying on the therapist’s couch, not him. And I’m just beginning to realise that.

A happy, healthy little boy named Michal Katurian, on the eve of the night that his parents were to start torturing him for seven consecutive years, was visited by a man made of all fluffy pillows and a big smiley mouth, and the man sat with Michal and talked to him a while and told him about the horrific life he was to lead and where it was to end for him . . . and the man suggested to Michal that wouldn’t it be better if he did away with himself then and there are avoided all that horror?

And Michael said, “But if I do away with myself, my brother will never get to hear me being tortued, will he?”

“No,” said the Pillowman.

“But if my brother never gets to hear me being tortured, he may never write the stories he’s going to write, might he?”

“That’s true,” said the Pillowman.

And Michal thought about it a while and said, “Well, I think we should probably just keep things the way they are, then, with me being tortured and him hearing . . . ‘cos I think I’m going to really like hearing my brother’s stories.”
— Martin McDonagh, “The Pillowman.”

011b. corrected

Had an enligtening conversation with one of the teachers today about some of my thoughts on He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s stance on same-sex marriage, and he made some very good points.

To legalise same-sex marriage is to open up a legal can of worms. It’s not a matter of everyone just getting along. If you legalise it, it becomes discrimination under law for churches (who are government-protected, tax-exempt entities) to not perform same-sex marriages. The same goes for any business, non-profit organisation, clinic or hospital for whom doing so would violate their beliefs.

It then becomes a matter of reverse discrimination, where the agenda of the minority becomes forced on everyone. So while I personally do not wish to be the agent of social change in America or force my will on the populace, to desire the legalisation of same-sex marriage would be a disaster, and I see that now.

However, if and when I marry, civil union or not, I will call him my husband.

That’s really all I want.

012. my wicked life

For the first time in my life I’m actually contemplating something truly long-term.

And it’s terrifying.

Well, not the long-term part. I can easily see spending the rest of my life with someone. It’s getting to that “rest of my life with someone” that’s frightening.

I’ve never been in any sort of relationship before. Never been emotionally intimate with anyone, not quite to this level. Not where I feel comfortable opening up to a guy, laying myself out there, flaws and all for him to either accept or categorically reject. And it’s frightening, but at the same time reassuring.

I’ve been revisiting Lewis’ The Four Loves lately, for obvious reasons. There are a couple of interesting passages.

We may say, and not quite untruly, that we have chosen our friends and the woman we love for their various excellences—for beauty, frankness, goodness of heart, with intelligence, or what not. But it had to be the particular kind of wit, the particular kind of beauty, the particular kind of goodness that we like, and we have our personal tastes in these matters. That is why friends and lovers feel that they were “made for one another.” The especial glory of Affection is that it can unite those who most emphatically, even comically, are not; people who, if they had not found themselves put down by fate in the same household or community, would have had nothing to do with each other. If affection grows out of this—of course it often does not–their eyes begin to open. (p36)

Last Friday I wrote him this:

I don’t think I’m wholly “in love” with you… yet. But I’m getting there. Falling slowly. And I think that’s good that it’s happening this way. I like you a lot, that’s for damn sure. You know that and what you do to me when you call or write. I’m definitely infatuated with you right now, and I’m waiting for that to fade into something deeper.

When I said that I’m not “in love” with you yet, I don’t mean that I don’t love you. I think right now what we have are eros (sexual love or desire for the Beloved), phileo (love between friends) and storge (affection). But what has yet to really cement is the sacrificial gift-love, agapeo. And that’s what I know I don’t have yet. But it will come.

If that doesn’t make the poor guy feel inadequate, I don’t know what will. Luckily he knew what I was talking about (he’d taken a philosophy class), and he’s trying to be realistic too. That’s the great thing about our relationship up to this point, the fact that we can be so open and honest with each other. It takes some couples months – years, sometimes, and thousands of dollars of therapy – to get there. But we’ve essentially just met, so there’s really no way that I can possibly know if he’s “The One.”

Lovers are always talking to one another about their love; Friends hardly ever about their Friendship. Lovers are normally face to face, absorbed in each other; Friends, side by side, absorbed in some common interest. (p61)

This is one area in which it’s pretty certain that we’re more than friends. We are constantly talking about each other. We’re talking about whether we’re really “in love.” Bizarrely, we’re also talking about our future, things we’d like to do together. We talked again last night, and are trying to take a step back and acknowledge the possibility that we might be just friends, though I think neither of us want that, but in the interest of being realistic we need to at least be open to that. He has said that he’d be “vocally supportive” of whatever I choose to do but I know he’d be miserable if I ended up with someone else.

Nothing so enriches an erotic love as the discovery that the Beloved can deeply, truly and spontaneously enter into Friendship with the Friends you already had: to feel that not only are we two united by erotic love but we three or four or five are all travellers on the same quest, have all a common vision.

The co-existence of Friendship and Eros may also help some moderns to realise that Friendship is in reality a love, and even as great a love as Eros. Suppose you are fortunate enough to have “fallen in love with” and married your Friend. And now suppose it possible that you were offered the choice of two futures: “Either you two will cease to be lovers but remain forever joint seekers of the same God, the same beauty, the same truth, or else, losing all that, you will retain as long as you live the raptures and ardours, all the wonder and the wild desire of Eros.

And conversely, erotic love may lead to Friendship between the lovers. But this, so far from obliterating the distinction between the two loves, puts it in a clearer light. If one who was first, in the deep and full sense, your Friend, is then gradually or suddenly revealed as also your lover you will certainly not want to share the Beloved’s erotic love with any third. But you will have no jealousy at all about sharing the Friendship. (p67)

This is probably what I hope for more than anything; that my friendship with him will turn into something much deeper. We sort of entered right away into the intermediary stage between Friends and Lovers, where it was clear from the start that we were definitely interested in each other. Fortunately, the distance prevented sex from entering into the equation, and nothing ruins a relationship quite like starting from there.

There are a lot of thoughts from this weekend, but this is a start.

011. doublespeak

From the abortion segment of the speech that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named at Notre Dame gave this weekend upon receiving his honorary degree (as if he didn’t have enough already):

Understand – I do not suggest that the debate surrounding abortion can or should go away. No matter how much we may want to fudge it – indeed, while we know that the views of most Americans on the subject are complex and even contradictory – the fact is that at some level, the views of the two camps are irreconcilable. Each side will continue to make its case to the public with passion and conviction. But surely we can do so without reducing those with differing views to caricature.

Now, contrast with this from the White House website:

President Obama supports full civil unions that give same-sex couples legal rights and privileges equal to those of married couples. Obama also believes we need to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act and enact legislation that would ensure that the 1,100+ federal legal rights and benefits currently provided on the basis of marital status are extended to same-sex couples in civil unions and other legally-recognized unions. These rights and benefits include the right to assist a loved one in times of emergency, the right to equal health insurance and other employment benefits, and property rights.

And he said this in an interview with the Chicago Daily Tribune:

“I’m a Christian. And so, although I try not to have my religious beliefs dominate or determine my political views on this issue, I do believe that tradition, and my religious beliefs say that marriage is something sanctified between a man and a woman.”

So he’s willing to support the right of women (presumably straight women, who probably became pregant outside of marriage) to murder their unborn chidren, but he doesn’t support the rights of millions of homosexuals in America to marry just like anyone else?

I’ll put it another way: He supports an act which results in the death of a human being, but doesn’t support two people publically proclaiming their committment to each other (which harms nobody)?

And some of you people voted for this guy? Sorry, I’m a bit indignant this morning.

010. crisscross

“People are meant to go through life two by two. ‘Tain’t natural to be lonesome.”
— Thornton Wilder, Our Town, Act II

In the way of an update, things are definitely looking up with Southern boy. We talked for about eight hours yesterday in the near-culmination of a two-day Define-The-Relationship conversation, the conclusion of which was that we both want to make a go of it. It’s hard to call him my boyfriend when he isn’t here, but it’s clear that even in the short time we’ve known each other that our connection runs deep.

We talked again today. He calls for no other reason than to hear my voice, and I do the same. The distance seems negligible.

This seems insane. A guy I met online suddenly becomes one of my best friends and possibly my soul mate. Is that even possible? We’ll find out together in the weeks and months to come, but there’s no way we could talk so much and so intimately.

We’re both afraid of this burning out before we get to August (when he’s planning to come up here). His family is probably going to find out and I’m a bit nervous, but as soon as he’s here I’m planning to tell mine. His family (minus his dad) at least already know that he’s a homosexual. My youngest sister knows and is supportive of this so far, but the rest of my family doesn’t know.

All that said, he had to take of something for about twenty minutes this morning, and during that time I came to the realisation that it really is okay; that none of this could’ve happened unless G-d meant for it to happen.

So maybe I can have a relationship and keep my faith.

009. reboot

I don’t know you, but I want you all the more for that.
Words fall through me, always fool me, and I can’t react.
Games that never amount to more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out.
Take this sinking boat and point it home. You’ve still got time.
Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice. You’ll make it now.
— Glen Hansard, “Falling Slowly”

Not sure how I’m feeling right now. I’m kind of all over the place emotionally, and I shouldn’t be. It’s stupid, but just can’t be helped. That lyric from Once sums it up.

My talks with the boy have been up and down. Maybe it’s just him. It was raining today and he said that rain gets him down, but his last couple messages have been sort of intentionally non-committal, and I can’t tell if he’s trying to be rational and let this go before we both get too attached or if he’s just moody. Last night he was quite talkative. For example, there’s what he sent today (edited for punctuation):

Date, do what need to do. I hope you find the best in what you are looking for. I do care about you though. I hope you find happiness, however that comes.  I think it’s inevitable that you will date someone in your area, as long as you’ve kept yourself in a closet I can understand how you’d long to explore that. You’ll get to know me either way—I’m here for you. Even if I am 966 miles away.

This is compared to what he wrote yesterday:

I’m really trying not to but I can’t stop thinking about you. You are so amazing, I’d really given up on the idea that people like you exist in the world.

I really shouldn’t say things like that, I ashamed of myself for admitting that. You have no idea the hell I’ve given people I consider to be friends for liking people they met online.

Then today,

You’ll find someone local, I’m sure of it. You work in theater, you live in a large area, you will.

It’s a bit of a let-down after the day or two of euphoria, and I wasn’t able to talk to him much tonight so I’m not sure what he was thinking or what drove him to write these things. (PS – he doesn’t write much.) Regardless of how I feel, it’s a rational approach: there’s a fairly large distance between us (966 mi)… 16 hours of driving… 5 U.S. States.

It just feels like a bit of a miracle that he showed up at all and that there’s a mutual attraction. It would take another miracle for a guy here to show up who’s just as amazing. It just sucks that I’m 26 and still alone with my ridiculously high standards.

But are my standards so high? Let’s examine. Here’s what I’d like, ideally:

• He doesn’t come across as Gay.

I’m taking to capitalising that word now to set it apart from homosexual or from its meaning of “happy, carefree,” and referring specifically to homosexual subculture and to effeminate males.

This quality makes it harder to find people as most guys like myself (and like my Southern friend) are in deep cover. Effeminate guys make me uncomfortable. I like masculine fellas; who possess the qualities (physical and psychological) that make them male (as distinct from women—sorry, ladies):

• Personality things like being assertive, direct, independent, objective, ambitious, adventurous, uninhibited, rational, moral, etc.
• Physical characteristics like well-defined muscles (shoulders, back, arms and chest for me), just a little bit of body hair (at least groomed/trimmed, though I do like arm and leg hair, just as long as they don’t resemble a Sasquatch from the waist down), and as a friend of mine wrote “tractor beam eyes.” I like how guys smell too. Not when they’re sweaty and gross, but their natural scent. It’s intoxicating.

I was talking to my sister the other day about boys (she is the only family member who knows) and how she wants to have all boys and no girls when she marries. I said that when I have a BF he’s going to have to teach me to wrestle so I can be the fun uncle who rough houses with the kids. On that same note, I want a guy who is going to really get into sex and isn’t afraid to hold back (see several bullets down).

It’s not that I’m ashamed of who I am. Guys like me just don’t want to be associated with the Gay community or what it stands for, and we don’t want to be pre-judged by anyone because of who we’re attracted to. It’s a private matter for us, much as sexuality is a private matter for most heterosexuals. They don’t go around flaunting their Straight orientation, so why should we flaunt ours (e.g., “We’re here, we’re queer!”)?

I also don’t want to attract men who are just interested in having sex with me, and especially not the kind who want that precisely because I’m a virgin. I can’t be responsible for what might happen to such an individual who did that. Most male relationships are based on trust and mutual respect. Treating me like a piece of meat is not respectful and will not earn my trust.

• He is smart, can carry on a decent conversation, and is passionate about the things he’s interested in.

This is fairly important to me. A guy who’s just into pop culture and movie references does not interest me. That’s not even mildly cute. Just annoying. We’ve got to be able to connect on an intellectual level, which is why I’ve been enjoying conversing with the Southern boy. It’s not enough to have the same interests. You run out of those after a while. I don’t think I’d want to date someone in theatre. There are way too many Gay guys in theatre.

• We are both very much into each other physically.

Again, this is true of my current prospect. We really like each other in that way. But it’s almost a moot point at present because of the distance factor. Again, he doesn’t remotely look Gay or metrosexual—but he is good looking. Very good looking. Kind of in a rugged, masculine sort of way. Not sure how to describe it.

If you know me at all, you know that I’m a very passionate person, even though I have no experience sexually yet, I’d like to be with someone who is a little aggressive (within reason, and certainly not abusive), isn’t afraid to get crazy, and is also okay with meeting that in me (again, I have no idea what I’m like sexually).

• He is looking for something more lasting; to connect.

So many people, homosexual and heterosexual, have empty sexual encounters where they just use each other to get off. Gay culture tends to be especially about that—one-night stands, anonymous sex, etc. I’m 26, getting past my prime a little, and not looking to mess around. After all, I’ve waited this long. When I have sex, it’s going to be with someone I care deeply about, trust completely, and already have a connection (emotional, spiritual) with. The physical aspect of the relationship will be an outgrowth of the elements that have already been established.

It would be nice to be with someone who already knows his way around and is going to do his best to make my first time as good a one as possible. It doesn’t even bother me if he has been with other guys, just so long as he wants to be with me because he loves my soul, and I his.

• We;re on the same spiritual wavelength.

This is one area where Southern boy and I are a bit divergent. He’s not quite back with Christianity yet. I’m at the very least lapsed but I do have a background in Biblical studies and theology. But to be honest, apart from going to church, I’m not terribly invested in my spiritual life or development. I want to be. I was raised with conservative, fundamentalist beliefs. I still hold to the tenets of the Nicene Creed.

• One G-d, Father Almighty, creator of heaven and earth and of all things visible and invisible;
• That Jesus Christ was the only begotten Son of G-d before all worlds;
• That he came to earth for our salvation, was crucified, died, buried and on the third day came back to life;
• One baptism for the remission of sins;
• And the resurrection from death and the life of the world to come.

These are the non-negociables for me. And he’s so close—that’s the infuriating thing. He’s just missing a few key things. His beliefs seem to be a mash of Eastern philosophy, some Pagan, mixed with elements of Christianity. He hated Christians for a long time, mainly because of how he’s been treated. I’m not a Bible thumper, but my beliefs are important to me. Don’t know how they actually affect my living, but I’m not willing to back down from those five statements above.

Because it isn’t enough to be spiritual for me. This goes hand-in-hand with my desire for a passionate person, someone who is willing to take a stand. And if he has actually wrestled with the reality of being a Christian homosexual and the theology behind it, that’s pretty sexy too.

So where does this leave me? Confused again. I feel like someone hit the restart button and my system is checking the updates. So Southern boy and I may not get to be together in the way that I hoped. But we will continue to talk. Maybe that will deepen into something more. It might not, and I have to be okay with that.

008. whoa

“And he made me feel excited—
well, excited and scared.”
— Stephen Sondheim, Into the Woods

Wow. That’s exactly how I feel right now.

I was just thinking at lunch how cool it is to be able to flirt with a guy and not have to worry about whether he’s going to think I’m gay or that I’m going to get beaten up; that we can skip the “getting over the fact that I’m a guy and attracted to you” awkwardness and just be honest with each other; that we can openly tell the other guy how sexy we think he is.

This is nice. And new. And terrifying. I’m not used to telling someone that I think he’s gorgeous or that I love the sound of his voice and mean it in that way.

Seeing his name on my phone when he calls and my heart momentarily stopping.

It’s like being on a fast ride. All the time. Let’s hope it’s not a short ride.

(Haha, you probably won’t get that. That’s a nerdy reference to John Adams’ piece for orchestra, Short Ride in a Fast Machine. See, I told you you wouldn’t get it.)

007. no, mr bond, i expect you to walk

Holy buckets, what a weekend.

On a whim I called up a guy from GCN on Saturday and ended up talking to him for about five hours. Talked to him again today for about an hour and a half.

I hope he doesn’t read this.

I really like him. Don’t think I’ve ever connected as deeply with someone in such a short amount of time as I already have with him. We’ve been messaging back and forth for about two weeks now and I’m trying not to read too much into this, because we just met; but I’ve never looked forward to talking to someone as much as I look forward to talking to him now. I’m starting to understand now what’s so intoxicating about wanting to be with someone. It’s a nice feeling waking up with a big grin and thinking about someone.

Was practically giddy on Friday when we set a call date; anticipating actually hearing his voice and being able to interact. He lives kind of far away, but I still really like him and have told him so. He’s said the same to me. We share a lot of the same values, and seem to want the same things out of a relationship from what I can tell.

What scares me is that I’ve never been in any sort of relationship, and that’s what I want right now; so I fear that my expectations may be a little high, even though I’m practically forcing myself to not have any.

That, and I’m essentially fresh out of the closet here. It hasn’t even been a year, and I want to think I’ve found the man of my dreams. He isn’t perfect, but he’s an amazing guy at the same time. It’s just so hard finding a “normal” homosexual guy (i.e., who isn’t a flaming queen) when they’re so rare, or at least hard to find. But who knows who I’ll meet in the next year.

Don’t want to miss out on this if there’s even a chance with this guy though.

And I don’t even want to look at pornography now! That’s a first in a long time. I mean, I want to, but I don’t need to—not when I have an awesome guy who thinks I’m hot and who I think is equally as smokin’ sexy.

If this is what being homosexual is about, being crazy about a truly masculine guy who thinks the same of me, then this is okay.

And man, I could listen to him talk all afternoon/night. He has a little bit of a southern accent and it is so sexy. Thinking about him makes my chest ache in that one place and my stomach goes all weird.

This is just crazy.