004. twisted

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Been listening to a lot of Chopin lately. No particular reason, I’ve just been in the mood. It’s one of the few gay things I do. Not that listening to classical piano makes anyone gay, but it just feels so stereotypical, right up there with listening to bel canto opera (Puccini, Verdi, Bellini, etc) and Judy Garland. It would be one thing if I weren’t Classically trained, but life’s been chaotic so it’s nice to go to a quiet, cathartic musical place and just unwind.

I played a lot of Chopin in high school and college and am just now coming back to it. It’s stuff I pull out for weddings and other events (his music is technically considered “easy listening”), but I always played it on days when I was feeling particularly stressed or upset because his music said everything my words couldn’t.

As if my mind weren’t spinning enough, in addition to the general busyness of my life, there’s also the fact of dealing with the divide between Christianity and homosexuality. The awful thing is that the minute I start feeling resolution in either direction, something comes along to upset all of that. For example, this whole week I’ve been talking with some new friends on the Gay Christian Network about some of these issues, getting other perspectives and experiences.

Then on Sunday I went to church with a friend of mine and all the old doubts started coming back—that maybe this isn’t the way that I was created to be. That maybe homosexuality is a sin after all. That everything I’d been resolving in the past week was little more than smoke and mirrors.

But then again, how can so many people on both sides of the aisle be right or wrong? Why couldn’t Paul have been talking about male prostitutes and pederasty when he wrote about homosexuals in Corinthians? What if the Church really has been wrong all these centuries as a result of the influence of Saint Augustine’s sexual hang-ups?

At the same time, just because two men or women are attracted to each other and are willing to commit for life, does that make their union right in the eyes of G-d? Could this all be part of the “futility of creation”?

The Church assumes that gays choose their orientation; that they “gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another” (Romans 1:27). That’s assuming that we were attracted to women in the first place and “turned to the dark side.” I have never been sexually aroused by a women. I may notice that a woman is attractive, but I do not desire her. This will come in the next post, but I have always been into guys, as long as I can remember. When I hit puberty it became more apparent that this was the case, but I don’t recall ever being turned on by girls.

There was another revelation on Sunday: I don’t feel accepted by G-d. This probably stems back to my parents, but deep down, past all the bravado and self-confidence is layers of self-loathing and self-hatred, and this sense that I will never be loved for who I am. That I am unworthy of love. Unlovable.

The Bible says that G-d loves me, but I have a hard time accepting that love; that He could love a broken and mangled gay guy like me.

Muirnín

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